Far, far away—far enough away that even the Star Wars scrollbar loses reception—there was a tiny town called Genericville nestled between the foothills of two mountains that certainly didn’t resemble any taboo parts of the female anatomy.  (Oh yes, I did just go there.) And in this very clean-minded, well-mannered, and perfectly manicured town resided Liz.  Liz wasn’t like the other civilians at all.  Even the boys didn’t make jokes about those two not-at-all suggestive mountains, but Liz laughed about them all the time.  She wore fun, anti-polos and anti-gray clothes.  And she liked MUSIC.  People in Genericville didn’t like music very much.  Oh, they liked it as an accessory to their swimming pools, tennis courts, and piano rooms, but other than the supplementary Quiet Moods CD (by the way, those things can really do wonders for insomnia, trust me), there wasn’t much to be heard.  Liz stuck out like gay, Jewish, pro-choice, Spaniard at a Republican rally (Oh yes, I did just go there.).  But there are people in the world who can appreciate that.  I know four.  Do you want to know who they are?  Come on, kids!  We’ll go solve the mystery in the next paragraph!!! FOLLOW ME…
(see first you have to navigate through this line of blank space)
THEIR NAMES WERE BRENDON, RYAN, JON, and SPENCER.  AND THEY WERE A ROCK BAND CALLED PANIC(!) AT THE DISCO.  

Why did they care about poor, imaginative Liz stuck in that gray town?  (Ha, I typed gown.  SHE WAS STUCK IN A GOWN.  AHAHAHA!!!  Silly me.) Mostly because Panic at the Disco is crazy about things that don’t fit in.  That’s why they kept Ryan.  And Spencer.  And Brendon.  And Jon.  When they were little, they didn’t fit in at all!  

***THE STORY OF RYAN’S CHILDHOOD***

Ryan: (Thinking) all the cool kids will love my new drapery-derived button-down shirt!

Cool Kids: Dude.  You look like my grandma’s living room.

Ryan: :(

***THE STORY OF SPENCER’S CHILDHOOD***

Spencer:  (Thinking) I bet all the cool kids will love my man-curves.

Cool Kids:  Dude.  Are you even a guy?

Spencer: :(

Cool Kids: (Secretly thinking) Damn, those man-curves are dead sexy.

***THE STORY OF BRENDON’S CHILDHOOD***

Brendon: OohlookabunnyIlikebunniesIbetallthosepeoplelikebunniestooHIPEOPLEDOYOULIKEBUNNIES?!?!?!ILIKEBUNNIES!!!

Cool Kids:  O.o…No.

Brendon: :( BUTBUNNIESARECOOL!

***THE STORY OF JON’S CHILDHOOD!!!***

Jon:  Hi.

Cool Kids: (Shifty eyes) We don’t like you…

Jon:  That’s cool.  I like sandwiches.

***THE STORY OF BRENDON’S OTHER CHILDHOOD!!!***

Brendon:  I hope nobody notices I’ve developed an allergy to shirts!

Kelly: (Thinking) I hope nobody notices I reused the allergy to shirts!  

Cool Kids:  GET A TAN.

Brendon: :(

***THE ORIGINAL STORY!!!***

So, completely unaware that a really awesome and totally manly rock band was currently in her front garden, admiring her azaleas and baby-talking to the cat I just invented for her, Liz sat in the backyard patio and began to paint her nails very slowly, admiring the shimmer of each tiny drop of purple polish.  

Liz:  Wow.  That’s very pretty.  I think I’ll look at it for 15 seconds longer.  

Panic (appearing in the back: Wow.  That IS very pretty.  We’ll look at it for 15 seconds longer, too.

(15 seconds longer)

Panic: HI LIZ.

Liz:   HEY!!!  I HAVE A ROCK BAND ON MY PATIO!!!

Panic:  Yes.  And it’s PANIC AT THE DISCO!!! (Superhero poses)

Liz:  HI PANIC AT THE DISCO!!!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Jon:  We’re here to rescue you from Genericville!

Brendon:  And we’ll do it without the aid of shirts!  FOR THEY ARE DEADLY.

Ryan:  Except me.  You’ll never get me out of my paisley.  NEVER.

Spencer:  The man-curves are lovin’ the breeze!!!

Liz:  ORLY?!?!?!?  

Panic: YEAHRLY.

Spencer: YEAHRLY.

Liz: No…I knew…about the man-curves…

Spencer:  Oh.

Panic: So let’s get you out of here!!!

Liz:  OKAY!  Where are we going?

Panic:  Well…it’s hard to explain…

Ryan:  It’s kind of like an acid trip…

Brendon:  But we don’t do drugs!

Jon:  So it’s like Candyland…

Spencer:  Except it’s not ALL candy.  But there’s candy.

Brendon:  Yeah ^-^

Liz:  Sounds cool…I have to go tell my houseplants I’ll be gone for a while, though…

Panic: NONSENSE!!!

Jon:  You can bring them along!

Liz:  Cool.  I’ll go get them!  (Grabs large herd of cactuses out of thin air) Alright, ready to go!

Panic: Okay.  Now just click your heels together and say “Home sucks, give me a refund, bitch.  Home sucks, give me a refund, bitch.  HOME SUCKS, GIVE ME A REFUND, BITCH!!!”

Liz:  (Repeats)

(Panic at the Disco and Liz fly through the air and end up in a field that has more colors in it than....I dunno, a box of colorful crayons, or a herd of fluffy newborn chicks that have been cruelly spray-painted to look like Easter eggs…)

Spencer:  Welcome to the MAN CAVE!!!

Ryan:  …Yeah.

Liz:  WOW…

All around our heroes were thousands of little houses like hobbit-holes, except the grass was glittery and colorful, and—though Liz didn’t know it yet—each held a clap-on disco ball.  

Brendon:  NARRATOR!!! YOU GAVE IT ALL AWAY!!! :(

Liz: WOAH.  Clap-on disco balls?!!??!

Ryan:  Yup.  Don’t even start with the puns.

Liz: Do we like, PANIC at them?!?!  

…

Liz:  Yeah.  That’s it, I promise.

Jon:  Good.  Anyway, we also have a swimming pool MADE OF CHOCOLATE.

Liz: OMG!

Spencer: Hey!  We should go in it RIGHT NOW.

Brendon:  Oh, but Spencer!  We don’t have our swimsuits!

Ryan:  And now we do! :)

(EVERYONE IS IN THEIR TRUNKS.  AND BRENDON MAYBE HAS A SPEEDO…)

Spencer: That’s awkward.

Ryan:  That’s the one downside to the magic…you don’t always get EXACTLY what you want.

Liz:  Did you say MAGIC?!

Ryan:  Yes, I said MAGIC.

Brendon:  But Ryan, tell Liz and the folks at home why you said MAGIC.

Ryan:  Okay, I’ll tell them why I said MAGIC…well, you see, in this land, you can get anything you want just by WISHING FOR IT!

Jon:  Yeah.  We get cool clothes, instruments, and European fruit snacks all the time when we’re here.

Spencer:  I even got microwaveable popcorn!!!

Ryan:  You just can’t wish for more wishes.

Brendon:  Wait…you can’t?

Ryan:  Nope.  Why?

Brendon:  Because I just wished for—

(SONIC BOOM)

Jon:  Oh no!  

Liz:  WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?!

Brendon: I DON’T KNOW!!! LET’S ASK THAT ANTICHRIST OVER THERE!!

Antichrist: YOU FOOL!  YOU’VE JUST DESTROYED YOUR SANCTUARY AND TURNED IT INTO MY BACHELOR PAD!!  (Maniacal laughter)

Panic and Liz: :(

Ryan:  Quick!!  Everyone tap your feet together and say, “Ok, maybe home isn’t so bad…Ok, maybe home isn’t so bad…OK, MAYBE HOME ISN’T SO BAD…”

(PANIC AND LIZ ARRIVE BACK AT GENERICVILLE)

Liz:  Phew.  That’s over.  So where are we going now?  I can’t stay in Genericville without my houseplants.

Panic:  Uh…

THE END

EPILOGUE

Liz toured with Panic at the Disco for sixth months before she finally got tired of security guards, not being able to spontaneously take off her clothes whenever the heck she felt like it without enduring manly shrieks of terror, and Brendon’s stinky pits.  But they DID live up to their word about rescuing her from Genericville—they bought her a house in Canada, which she eventually got used to.  Now she feels just as self-righteous and underutilized as the rest of ‘em.  But she still has her awesome, not-gray clothes and good music.  And a lot of Panic at the Disco merchandise.  

THE END