FRERARD: THE SOAP OPERA!!!!
It was a dark and stormy night on the My Chemical Romance tour bus. Actually, it was a dark and story night OUTISDE of the My Chemical Romance tour bus. Thankfully, there were no leaks or weather-making devices in the bus itself, so Bob, Ray, Mikey, Frank, and Gerard were quite dry, but the fact remained that outside of their cramped quarters, it was raining cats and dogs (but not men, to the disappointment of thousands of straight/bi girls and gay/bi guys) and the thunder was loud enough to put chainsaws to shame. By the time the sun set, or would have set if it had not already been invisible behind the dark clouds, thousands of chain saws everywhere had surrendered to their inferiority complexes and committed suicide after particularly loud blasts of thunder. But of course, MCR was too occupied with their own lives to notice. Or were they
A scream pierced the night
or did it?
Gerard: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! HES BLEEDING!!!!!
Frank: MY LEG!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait
IM NOT BLEEDING!
Gerard: Oh sorry
its a shame youre not injured
Here comes another bad pickup line! Or is it
Frank: Gee, I wonder why?
Gerard: So I could do this! (Starts making out violently with Frank.)
(Frank returns Gerards kisses and within about five minutes, theyre on Gerards bunk and Frank doesnt know it now as he lies there so perfectly content in Gerards arms, but he is pregnant.)
Ray: (Walks in with Bob and Mikey) Oh my god my best friends are f*cking this is such a shock I had no idea but I guess Im okay with it Ill accept them for who they are. (Walks out.)
Bob: Me too. (Walks out)
Mikey: No no way I refuse to accept this my brother and my best friend cannot be together because I will feel lonely and-slash-or am in love with Frank myself!
Mikey: It is on, b*tch!
Gerard and Mikey begin to fight. Or do they
Mikey: Okay I guess I accept this after all I love you guys (walks out of the room)
But soon after this encounter, Mikey, Ray, and Bob mysteriously disappeared from the bus. Rather than looking for their missing friends, Gerard and Frank continued to make out and tag the bases all the time. Or at least until Frank noticed that hed missed a period. Gerard and Frank went to the doctors office and found out that Frank was expecting. Or was he
Doctor: It might be a girl...but then again it might be a guy
Frank and Gerard: WOOO!!! Lets name him/her Helena or Heleno and buy a house with a white picket fence and get married!
Frank and Gerard got married, and Mikey and Ray and Bob somehow reappeared in time for the reception. Mikey was the best man, but right in the middle of his speech, Frank gave birth
or did he
Gerard: I love you honey. Holy sheep that baby looks nothing like me
in fact it looks a lot like Mikey.
Frank: Oh yeah I kind of got with your brother once
but it didnt mean anything!
Gerard: I HATE YOU! (Cries) Okay I guess its okay since I kind of cheated on you too
Frank: I HATE YOU TOO! With who?
Gerard: My brother
Mikey: HELL NO YOU DIDNT!
Gerard: Oops, did I say my brother? I meant Bert McCracken, and Ray, and Bob, and Jade Pudget, and Davey Havock, and Jared Leto, oh, and George Clooney
Frank: I STILL HATE YOU!!!
Gerard: WELL YOU STILL CHEATED ON ME!!!
Frank: YOU TOO! MEANIE!
Gerard and Frank split up, not seeing each other for a whole two weeks
Mikey: Dammit! I f*cked up. I f*cked my brothers boyfriend, who I still love, and got him pregnant and now I have to take care of this baby, too
Frank and Mikeys baby: Goo.
Mikey was so tragically affected by his ordeal that he decided to take his own life. Or did he
Gerard: Oh sh*t
Frank: Whatever shall I do? He was my best friend and the father of our baby!
Gerard and Frank: (Begin sobbing) Im sorry I cheated. We should get back together since all that matters is our love! (Kiss)
Gerard and Frank instantly got together and immediately resumed making out/reaching all four bases at every second all the time.
Mikey (From heaven): What?! No grieving?! I shall have my revenge!
Meanwhile, Frank is driving home from his new part-time job as an insurance agent. Hes also picked up a very special gift for Gerard
a nice dinner and flowers! But Mikey, angry from the heavens that they are too busy making out and reaching all four bases to even remember the fact that he is dead, sends another car in his path
or did he
Car and Franks Car: COLLISION!
Gerard: Oh doctor! Is he going to be okay?!
but he has
.SLIPPED INTO A COMA!
Gerard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh wait
thats okay! Ill just wait a couple of months and come back and say some cheesy pickup line and hell be okay!
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
or is it
Gerard: Oh Frankie
Frankie! Wake up! I miss you, honey! (sniff) Im not okay. Im not okaaaaaaay. Im not oookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
without you, Frankie
Doctor: Oh hes not okaaaaaaaaaaaaay
Ray: What shall we saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?
Fangirl: HOLY SH*T hes gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Mikey: (Coming down from the heavens) What hes trying to saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy
All (with the addition of several doctors, Bob, more fangirls, and random people, birds, and microwave dinners): Is please wake up, Frank! (Jazz fingers) YEAH!
Frank: Hi guys! Man, I must have been out thirty seconds!
Gerard: No, dear, its been five months!
Doctor: Okay, Frank. You can go home. I dont have to keep you for testing or anything or to make sure that this coma wont recur or anything. You can just go and make it to home base with your husband.
Gerard and Frank: (Go home and make it to home base again despite Frank having two broken legs, a sprained wrist, concussion, bedsores, and broken ribs from the car accident. Rawr!)
Ray, Mikey, and Bob reappear despite being missing during all of Franks hospital stay except when he wakes up (and Mikey being dead) and decide to go to the movies together, since, being one of the most popular bands of today, they obviously have no shows or recording sessions to go to and have nothing better to do than go and see a horror movie. Or do they
Mikey and Franks Baby (who is now like 16, despite its being born only about 6 months ago): Im sick of everyone ignoring me! Ill show them!!!
Frank: AHHHHHHHHHH SCARY!!!!! (Cuddles Gerard)
Gerard: YEAH!!!!!!!!! (Makes out with Frank)
Ray: You guys! We didnt even end up seeing a horror movie! They were sold out! This is Bratz: The Movie
Frank: Oh. OH NO SHE DIINT!
Gerard: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! (Makes out with Frank)
Mikey: Ewww how gross! Frank I LOVE YOU!!! (Makes out with Frank)
You both are so hot. Who should I choose?
Now its YOUR turn, audience. Tell us who Frank should continue to make out with by hitting the appropriate button on the remote attached to the left armrest of your chair. Choose wisely, because its ALL UP TO YOU! Or is it
Little Boy in Row Three: YAY! I THINK HE SHOULD MAKE OUT WITH GERARD! FRERARD FORVER, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fangirl in Row Nine: Ooh he should make out with BOTH! AT THE SAME TIME! And with all those other guys Gerard cheated on! That would be HAWT!!! (Drools) Dammit, theres no button for that
(Hits the Gerard and Mikey buttons at the same time)
THE RESULTS ARE IN
and Frank should turn to page 49 if he wants to stay with Gerard, and page 38 if he wants to stay with Mikey. And if he wants to take another look at that ever-elusive cutie, Zack Efron, he should turn to page 128. But, if Frank wants to take a break from guys all-together and focus more on himself and the cheerleading squad in time for their next competition, he should go to page 84. Or should he
Zack Efrons kinda hot, too
(Turns to page 128). So Zack, you know that movie that just came out? Do you wanna see it?
Zack Efron: Yeah, but not with you. Id never date a loser like you.
Frank went home crying and ate a lot of chocolate. He decided the only way to deal with his rejection was to kill himself rather than go back to either of the two guys who totally wanted to make out with him. So he took out a gun that a nearby fairy put into his previously unused gun cabinet and shot himself in the heart
or did he
Gerard and Mikey: Lets make up. (hug)
Frank: (Comes back from the dead) Psyche! I was not really dead after all! I was just hiding in the garbage disposal!
Gerard and Mikey: Shucks I shouldve known!
Ray and Bob: Why havent we been mentioned at all in like forever?
Frank and Mikeys Kid: NOW I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!! (Clunks Frank over the head with a mallet)
Frank: OOOOOOOOOwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I feel like my skull has been struck with a large mallet, quite possibly giving me amnesia, skull damage, or a concussion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank and Mikeys Kid: Im sorry Dads, but all I wanted was your love!!
Gerard: Im sorry we havent been more supportive, child.
Frank and Mikeys Kid: SHUT UP, STEPDAD!
Frank and Mikeys Kid: Im so misunderstood! (Vanishes)
that was weird. At least none of us are hurt. All that matters is our love, albeit its brotherly nature! And Frank must want to be with me now that hes seen the damage its done to our child!
Frank: Oh my gosh! I simply cannot remember a thing! Bloody hell, what year is it, Edmund?
Mikey and Gerard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Ray and Bob: Now would be the perfect time to be more included in the story and connect with our fellow band members by showing our own displeasure at the current situation, hence agreeing with something and showing that we have a common opinion
Frank: Who are you, good chaps?
Mikey and Gerard: IM YOUR SOULMATE!
Ray and Bob: IM YOUR SOULMATE-I MEAN BANDMATE!
Mikey and Gerard: Holy sheep, you guys like Frank, too?!
Ray and Bob: Erm
of course not?
All four then pounced on Frank and immediately begin making out with him/punching each other out. Or did they
Frank: Laddies! Laddies! You seem like a right bunch of chaps! Can we not settle this through the use of kind words and a good ol lump of sugar on the kettle? Whereabouts are we? Bloody hell, who are ye and where yonder are ye comin from?
Gerard: I am your husband!
Mikey: But I am your soulmate, and the father of our child!
fairly hot, and SINGLE!
Bob: Im totally suave and chivalrous.
Frank: Ye have given me quite a bit to stew over, yhave. I suppose I must be a fine young lass in order to attract thine eyes like I was a right bloody lightbulb!
Mikey: English, please!
Gerard: That IS English, dumbass!
Mikey: MODERN English, please!
Ray: You guys are scaring him off! Dont worry, Frank! I wont be so creepy!
Bob: I will be a right gentleman!
Bob: Ye can bet thine bottom pound that I would never hurt thy.
Frank: (Tearing up) That may be the loveliest verse mine ears will behold. (Hugs Bob)
Frank and Mikeys Kid: THIS ISNT WORKING! (Hits Frank over the head with a sledge hammer)
Frank: OOOOOOOOOwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I feel like my skull has been struck with a large mallet, quite possibly giving me amnesia, skull damage, or a concussion again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikey: FRANK! YOURE OKAY!!! (Hugs Frank)
Frank: Of course I am! I only got amnesia, skull damage, and quite possibly a concussion!
Mikey: But youre alive!
Frank: No Im not. (Dies)
Frank: (Coming back to life) Psyche!
The Rest: Phew. (Burst out laughing)
Frank: No, seriously. (Dies)
The Rest: F***************************************CK!!!!!!
Frank: (Coming back to life) Ahahaha you guys are so gullible!
The Rest: Phew. (Burst out laughing)
I have something to tell you.
Mikey: OF COURSE ILL MARRY YOU!!!!
Gerard: (Slaps) IM married to him, you twit!
Mikey: But I only got with you once, so that means
Frank: Yeah, its Gerards.
Frank: But I dont want you to be out of the picture. I want you to enjoy this child, too, because I want our first-born to know his/her new brother/sister.
For the next nine months, Mikey and Gerard were both driven crazy as Frank went through the normal stages of pregnancy as according to his What to Expect When Youre Expecting book, complaining of sore feet, throwing up almost every morning, and having strange cravings for Skittles (though that happened even when he wasnt pregnant). Frank and Mikeys kid became extremely jealous of all the attention the new unborn child was getting and decided to strike again. Or did he/she
Frank: OH MY GOD!!! GERARD!!! GERARD!!! IM ABOUT TO HAVE THE BABY!!!
Gerard: IM about to be even MORE hot! (Applies eyeliner) AHA!
Brendon: IM A DIVA!!! (Steals Gerards eyeliner and runs away cackling.) TO THE RYAN-MOBILE!!!! (Jumps in Ryans car)
Ryan: Will you stop calling it that?!
Brendon: NEVER!!! NOW DRIVE, SLAVE, DRIVE!
Ryan: (Sighs) (Drives the car away)
Frank: (Staring) That was weird.
Gerard: Curse that mysterious diva and that Ryan-mobile, too.
(Knock on the door) (Gerard opens the door)
Ryan: (Slaps Gerard across the face) DONT EFFING CALL IT THAT!!! (Walks back to his car and drives off again)
Gerard: Fine. (Pouts) Geez.
Frank: Well, he did make it pretty clear that he doesnt like his car being called the Ryan-Mobile.
(Knock on the door) (Gerard opens the door, wearily)
Ryan: Thank you. (Ruffles Franks hair and gives him a cookie.)
Gerard: Have you just been standing outside the door listening to our conversation?
no? (Drives away)
Frank: Ooh, lost my train of thought
where were we?
Gerard: Something about some baby
Frank: Oh yeah! My water broke! Im gonna have the baby!!! QUICK!!! TO THE MIKEY-COPTER!!! (Jumps into a large helicopter with Mikeys face on it.)
Mikey: FOR THE LAST TIME, DONT EFFING CALL IT THAT!
Frank: Fine. GEEZ, does NOBODY like to have modes of transportation named after them nowadays?
Mikey: (Sighs) (Drives the chopper away)
Mikey and Frank reached the hospital in about ten minutes, and Gerard met them there about an hour later. Frank ended up giving birth to another beautiful child (were talking more Way and Iero blood here
theres no way this child isnt beautiful, okay?!). Ray and Bob came later to celebrate/secretly try to seduce Frank when the door crashed open. Or did it
Frank and Mikeys Kid: (Standing in the doorway) MOTHER! FATHER!
Frank: Yes, dear? Awww you need to see your new step-sibling!! Mommy loves you!
Frank and Mikeys Kid: But this isnt fair! I thought you loved me! Oh, wait
no I didnt. I knew you hated me. But still, I mean, ANOTHER child to hate?! Are you going to leave this one to practically raise itself and age sixteen years in mere months like you did with ME!?
Mikey: HEY! I took care of you for the first month before I died and became reincarnated, didnt I?!
Gerard: (Singing) Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, everything thats wonderful is what I feel when, were together. Brighter than a lucky penny-
Mikey: GERARD! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SINGING LESLIE GORE SONGS?!
Frank and Mikeys Kid: HELLO?! ISNT ANYONE GOING TO ANSWER MY QUESTION?!
Frank: No, sweetie! We were hoping you could help us raise this kid.
Frank and Mikeys Kid: (Tearing up) Really? I guess all that matters is our love! (Hugs Frank and Frank and Gerards Kid)
Frank and Gerards Kid: (Spontaneously aging fifteen years) Come on, older sibling of mine! Lets go find ourselves girl/boyfriends!
Frank and Mikeys Kid: HELL YEAH!
(Franks children leave)
Gerard: Wow. They grow up so fast.
Frank: Yeah, I know. Seriously.
Gerard: QUICK! TO THE RYAN-MOBILE!!!! (Jumps into Ryans car)
Ryan: SH*T! NOT YOU AGAIN!!! AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELLYOU TO STOP CALLING IT THAT?!?!?!
Gerard: Shut up and drive, b*tch.
Ryan: (Shuts up and drives)
One Week later
or is it
Frank: (Arriving home, courtesy of the Mikey-Copter) Gerard, honey? Kids?! Im home!
Franks Kids: HI MOM!!! (Hugs)
Frank: Youre my little angels! Now wheres your dad?
Franks Kids: He said something about shutting up and driving, b*tch.
Frank: Drat. He must have carpooled with Ryan again
Ryan: Hooray! You didnt call it the Ryan-Mobile! (Gives Frank another cookie of approval)
Gerard: Honey! Kids! Im home!
Frank and Mikeys Kid: Youre not my real father!
Gerard: You say that every day.
Frank and Mikeys Kid: I just like reminding you.
Frank: Be nice to your step-father, child numero uno.
Ryan: (Still standing in the doorway) Has anyone noticed that neither of your kids have genders or names?
Gerard: Oh, so now youre jealous? I didnt think you were like that, Ryan Ross! I thought you were oh-so-deep and introspective! What happened to THAT, I wonder?!
Ryan: Im not jealous!
Gerard: Good. Now get the hell out of here and remember to bring the Ryan-mobile tomorrow at 8 sharp, b*tch!!
Ryan: (Sighing) ITS NOT THE RYAN-MOBILE, FOR THE LAST TIME!!!!
Gerard: SHUT UP AND DRIVE, B*TCH!!!
Ryan: (Drives away)
Gerard: Pesky co-workers.
Frank and Mikeys Kid: So what do you DO?
Gerard: Thats between your mother, me, and the headboard.
Frank and Mikeys Kid: (Scarred) No, I mean, whats your job?
Well, kids, Im
Meanwhile, thousands of eager, slash-writing fangirls across the planet held their breath in, crossed their fingers, and whispered, Cmon
.male stripper, male stripper, male stripper
over and over again. Or did they
Gerard: A used car salesman! And Ryans a mechanic at the same dealer, so we carpool
mostly cause the Ryan-Mobile is ten times better than our car
(Knock on the door)
Gerard: Dont answer it.
Everyone else: (Nods.)
Gerard: Seriously, dont answer it.
(No More Knocking)
Gerard: See? It just goes away.
Gerard: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sh*t.
Ryan: (Climbing through the broken glass) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT
(slaps Gerard) ITS NOT THE EFFING RYAN-MOBILE!!! (Jumps through the broken window again and drives away.)
Gerard: Damn him and his extra-sensitive/selective hearing
Frank and Gerards Kid: So he can tell every time you call his car
Frank: (Warning Glance)
Frank and Gerards Kid: Erm, That-Term-Which-Cannot-Be-Mentioned
Voldemort: Hell yeah! So, dude, you picking up the snack cakes for tomorrow?
Frank and Gerards Kid: Yeah, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! You getting the chips n dip?!
Voldemort: YOUD BETTER BELIEVE IT, FOOL! YE-HEAH!!!! (High Five) Allright
Frank and Gerards Kid: See ya on the six, man!
Frank and Gerards Kid: Anyway
so if you call his car THAT, he can miraculously hear it out of nowhere and arrive here in a matter of seconds to slap you?
Frank and Gerards Kid: THATS SO COOL!
Gerard: No, NO ITS NOT!!! RYANS NOT COOL! IM COOL! IM YOUR DAD!
Frank and Gerards Kid: But Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
.Ryan has a cooler car that people shouldnt be calling such dorky names!
(Knock on the Door)
Gerard: DONT answer it!
Frank and Gerards Kid: But its RYAN! I wanna answer it!
Frank and Gerards Kid: (Answers it) RYAN!!! YAY!!!
Ryan: (Hands Frank and Gerards Kid a cookie) Keep up the good work, kid. (Ruffles the kids hair and drives off)
Frank and Gerards Kid: Ill never wash this hair again
Frank and Mikeys Kid: Oh, youre such a ditz.
Frank and Gerards Kid: Well YOU were all over those marching band people!
Frank and Mikeys Kid: OHHH NO YOU DIINT!
Frank and Gerards Kid: It is on, b*tch!
Frank and Mikeys kid and Frank and Gerards kid began to fight
or do they?
Mikey: (Out of nowhere) HOLY SHEEP! DÉJÀ VU!
Frank and Rays Kid and Frank and Bobs Kid: Why havent we been mentioned in forever?!
Gerard and Mikey: YOU GOT WITH RAY AND BOB, TOO?!
Gerard and Mikey: IT IS ON, B*TCH!
Frank: QUICK!!! TO THE RYAN-MO...I mean, RYAN'S COOL CAR!
Ryan: (Driving up) Good. (Hands Frank a cookie and drives off with him into the sunset)
To be continued
or is it
? (Honestly, I dont know. Maybe, if I feel like it again.)