SYDNEY’S ADVENTURES IN BIRTHDAY-BOB LAND WITH KITTENS, KELLY, MELISSA, AND ALLITERATION!!!!!

“Sydney!” Said Sydney’s mom, who seemed to have gotten a recent makeover which gave her the appearance of being a lamp shade with a rather funny wig on and a tape recorder stuck to its back. “I hear something in the computer room.  I think it’s uh, a couple of your friends.  They do always sneak through the window, right?”  The clearly not-prerecorded voice seemed rather anxious and motherly, so Sydney couldn’t help but overlook her mom’s recent aesthetic changes, because there was no way in Dante’s wretched hopscotch board that she would allow her mother to be anxious.  That’s like letting a kitten be beaten to death and then nailed to an empty pizza box!  HOW HORRIBLE!  

“Do you need me to go investigate?”  Sydney straightened her sweatshirt, as these kinds of journeys often start with not only the smallest steps, but the appropriate adjustments to one’s clothes.  She then waited for her lamp-mother’s response, but it seemed to be busy rolling across the room in a rather pathetic way, so she took it as a sign to hurry up.  Her mother had dinner to make, after all!  

Sydney dashed up the stairs and headed towards her computer room, even if it may not have been on the second floor at all.  In fact, she may not even have a second floor, but in any case, she went towards where the computer was and, to her utter amazement, she saw her friends, Melissa and Kelly, practically glued to the computer screen muttering something about sandwiches and some guy named Ryan and running in gym class, and ‘hot!’.  

“KELLY!!!  MELISSA!!!”  Sydney cried, running up to hug them (she didn’t want to be rude and ask them what the heck they were doing in her house, because after all, they had so politely broken in and used her computer without permission).  “What the heck are you doing here?!”  (It’s totally polite to ask after a customary hug, she decided.)

Kelly, who was closest to the mouse, immediately clicked the exit button while Melissa quickly stated, “not fanfiction!”  Sydney ignored her friends’ strange insistence that they were not in fact reading fanfiction and were actually buying lawnmowers on eBay and decided to take their coats instead.  While opening the closet, she saw the glare reflect off five pairs of sunglasses on the faces of five dashing lads who could most definitely beat the crap outta her.  

“Uh, did you guys put anything in my closet?”  

“Oh yeah, just our personal mafia,” Melissa added absently.  “It was raining and umbrellas are for squares.”

Sydney shrugged and offered them some popcorn.  They shook their heads no, but one requested some chocolate syrup.  Not to be a rude host, she brought him a bottle, on which he promptly requested Melissa’s help on opening it in a bathroom stall in London.  

“What was that about?”  Sydney asked Kelly.

“Nothing.  Nothing at all,” Kelly said, quickly.  “You know what?  I’m going to go, uh, change the story to script mode!  Yeah, that’s it!”  And with that she ran out of there faster than the speed of all the hammer-ons and pull-offs in “Hangar 18” on Expert.  

Kelly: I’m back!

Sydney: Seriously!  What’s with that mafia? (Opens the closet door)

Mafia: (Tumbles out comically like a pile of shoeboxes)

Kelly: Rats.  We’ve been found out.

Frank: (Straightening the lapels on his jacket in a gesture of righteous indignation) Well that went smoothly!

Ray: I think those mothballs did something weird to my hair!  (Shakes out his ‘fro)

Mikey: I FOUND A QUARTER! 

Bob: Mikey!  You’re killing my back right now!

Mikey: (Puts away the poisoned wine he planned to feed to Bob’s back) No I wasn’t!

Sydney: BOB!!!  (Plucks that skinny Way kid off’a him and hugs him like he was made o’ bubble wrap)

Bob: SYDNEY!!! (Kicks that skinny Way kid like he was made o’ rubber and had the structure of a kickball)

Kelly: HEY!  (Grabs that skinny Way kid like he was a kitten being plucked off’a a drummer and then kicked like a kickball and hugs him like he was made o’ something even more huggable than bubble wrap…touché!)

Sydney: What are you guys doing here?!

Bob: I came to WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Kelly: That’s why we broke through your window.  Don’t worry, though.  We were very stealthy.

Window: (Clearly broken)

Melissa: Okay, so that’s how you open a bottle of chocolate syrup…(Wink, wink) Hey, wait a minute!  The story wasn’t in script form when I left!  And…HEY!  WEREN’T THEY IN THE CLOSET?!

Kelly: I’m sorry!  I tried to hold her off before you got back, but no use!

Melissa: (Biscuit-slaps) Kelly, you’re a horrible guard!

Kelly: (Biscuit-slaps right back…in yo’ face, biscuit!) Well, SOMEONE isn’t a very good bottle-opener, from the looks of it!

Gerard: She happens to be a SUPERB bottle-opener, thankye.

Sydney: Did you guys really just biscuit-slap each other?  

Kelly: No.  That was just added in for dramatic effect.

Sydney: Good.  The last time I tried to have a street-fighting tournament here, I ended up having to give my dad’s car to some hobo!

Sydney’s Dad: Wow, my car looks surprisingly like an old microwave with a fake license plate stuck on the back of it!

Sydney: Yeah, uh…funny how these things work out!

Kelly: Don’t worry…I’ve been there (comforts).

Bob: It’s okay.  The last time I had a street-fighting tournament at my house, I ended up having to give my KIDNEY to a hobo.

Bob’s Internal Organs: Is it me, or does that kidney surprisingly like a half-cup of canned pineapple?

Bob: Yeah, uh…funny how these things work out!

Melissa: Why’s Bob talking to himself?

Kelly: Because I ate him!

Bob: YOU DID?!  (Breaks into a fit of manly crying)

Sydney: KELLY, WHY?!

Kelly: I’M SORRY!  I didn’t have time to eat between my second and third rounds!

Melissa: (Sighs) Kelly!  How many times have I told you to bring a granola bar to those tournaments?!

Kelly: I forgot, okay?!

Bob: I feel so…violated!  And digested!

Kelly: Well, while you’re still intact despite all the stomach acid which must be breaking you down at this very moment, you should give Sydney her birthday present!

Bob: Okay!! (Hands Sydney a box)

Sydney: WOAH!!!!!!!  IT’S THAT BLENDER I WANTED!!!  THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! (Hugs to all)

Melissa: I’m glad you like it…

Kelly: But that isn’t a blender!

Melissa: It’s actually a kitten.

Bob: I PICKED IT OUT MYSELF!!! 

Sydney: AWWWWWWW!!!!  (Hugs all again)

Frank: I haven’t said anything in a long time.

Ray: Same.

Mikey: Ditto.

Gerard: ZOMZOMG ME TOO!!!!

Ray: You guys want to play cards? (Pulls a deck from his hair)

Frank, Mikey, and Gerard: Sure!  (Sit down and play ‘Go Fish!’)

Patrick: (Pops out of Ray’s ‘fro) Hi, Sydney!

Sydney: PATRICK!!!  YOU’RE HERE!!!

Patrick: Not because I was forced to.  Kelly would never do that.

Kelly: (Holding plastic light saber to his side and whispering into his ear while holding him in a half-nelson) Now say the rest of it or those internal organs will be a nice little shish kabob for our washing machine.

Patrick: Uh, happy birthday.

Sydney: YAY!!!!  THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!  WHERE’S MY MOM?!!!

Melissa: (Grabs the lamp shade) Right here!

Sydney: No, seriously!  Where’s my mom?

Melissa, Kelly, Gerard, Ray, Bob, Mikey, Frank, and Lamp Shade: Ummm… NOT IN THE OTHER CLOSET!!!  (Run away)

Sydney: What?!

Will Sydney ever find out why Kelly, Melissa, and their mafia put her mother in a closet for apparently senseless reasons?  Will Patrick’s organs go un kabob-ed?  

FIND OUT, ON THE NEXT BIRTHDAY CARD MINI-SCRIPT!!!  (Coming sometime around a few minutes from now, hopefully)